


Tell Me I Was Dreaming

by Athena83



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, Original Character Death(s), Sad, Tearjerker, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-04-05 17:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19045027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athena83/pseuds/Athena83
Summary: Yondu loses someone he loves and has to deal with the aftermath.  Prompt:  “I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”





	Tell Me I Was Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for @my-little-fandom-corner's 3k Follower Angst Sentence Writing Challenge on Tumblr, and it is _definitely_ angsty. I made myself cry _a lot_ while writing it, so I do suggest having tissues nearby if you cry easily. :) I used an OC, for reasons I think will be pretty obvious.

 

Yondu woke with a start. He felt a looming sadness, and in the hazy moments of first awakening, he struggled to figure out what caused it. He reached for Lita on her side of the bed, but when he felt only emptiness instead of her body, he remembered the events of the previous day.  He closed his eyes, wishing he could go back to the day before and change what happened, go back to sleep,  _anything_  but lie there and think about the never-ending days stretching out in front of him.  Days that wouldn’t include Lita.

__

_The previous day..._

The mission had been going well. Yondu had briefed the crew before they left the Eclector, and everyone knew their jobs. Everyone seemed to be following orders, for a change, and Yondu had been unexpectedly proud of his unconventional crew.

He’d finally started to relax when it came to Lita accompanying him on missions. She’d trained hard and learned to use the quad blasters and knife he’d given her, and she always followed every order he gave her before a mission.

He’d been surprised by that, at first, but she’d only said, “I know you said we’re equals and that I don’t have to call you Captain, but when we’re in the middle of a mission,  _you are my Captain_ , and I’ll do whatever you say.”

And she had. She did everything he ordered her to do and never doubted him, never questioned him. And it had cost her her life.

__

A knock sounded at his door.

“Cap’n?”

Yondu ignored the voice of his first mate.

Kraglin spoke again, a little louder this time. “Um, Cap’n? We, uh, we need ta know what ya wanna do fer… fer Lita’s funeral.”

Yondu took a deep breath, then sat up on the edge of the bed, rubbing his face as he tried to pull himself together.

“Cap’n?” Kraglin’s voice was a little softer, and Yondu hated to hear the pity in his voice.

His reply was harsher than he’d meant it to be, but he found he didn’t care. “I’ll be out when I get ready! Don’t need ya feelin’ sorry fer me!”

Kraglin hesitated, then replied, “Aye, Cap’n. Sorry, Cap’n.”

Yondu heard Kraglin walk away, and he sighed. He knew Kraglin meant well, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about  _anything_  now that Lita was gone.

He hadn’t bothered to undress or take off his boots before falling onto his bed the night before, so there was no need to get dressed again. He strode to the door and made his way to the control room. He knew he’d find Kraglin there, and as much as he dreaded the conversation, he didn’t trust anyone but himself to plan Lita’s funeral. It had to be perfect. She deserved that much.

He hesitated before walking into the control room, schooling his features into a blank mask.

Kraglin brought his fist to his heart in a somber Ravager’s salute and nodded. “Mornin’, Cap’n.”

Yondu didn’t reply. He sat down in the Captain’s chair with a huff, then pulled up a holoscreen, trying to keep from having to make eye contact with Kraglin.

Kraglin sat down in the co-pilot’s chair and cleared his throat. “I’s… I mean, we’s… we’s all sorry ‘bout what happened yesterday, Cap’n.”

Yondu growled. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“I… I know ya don’t wanna talk ‘bout it, but it… it might be good fer ya to...”

“I  _said_  I don’t wanna talk about it!” He shoved the holoscreen away and scrubbed a hand down his face.

Kraglin was silent for a moment, then he quietly added, “Weren’t yer fault, ya know. Nobody thinks it was...”

“I don’t give a damn what anybody thinks!” He stood and paced to the other side of the room.

Kraglin didn’t turn to face him, but kept talking, “Can’t even imagine how yer feelin’.”

Yondu spun to face Kraglin’s back, and roared, “No, ya  _can’t_! An’ yer  _lucky_  ya can’t! I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”

Yondu walked back to the Captain’s chair and kicked the back of it, before falling to his knees, head in his hands.

Kraglin turned the co-pilot’s chair to see Yondu on the floor. “Cap’n?”

Without raising his head, Yondu asked, “Where is she?”

“What?”

“ _Where’s her body_?”

“She’s, uh, she’s in tha room she had… ‘fore… ‘fore she started stayin’ in yer quarters.”

Yondu slowly stood and left the room, ignoring Kraglin’s voice as he called after him. He walked to the room he’d assigned Lita upon her arrival on the Eclector. When she’d first come aboard, he’d never thought he’d fall in love with her, and definitely never dreamed that she’d fall in love with him.

When he reached her room, he hesitated with his hand on the door. He took a deep breath and slowly pushed the door open, trying to prepare himself, though he knew it was pointless. There was no way he could have prepared himself to see her lying on the bed, motionless, her beautiful face paler than it was in life. He’d tried to pretend it wasn’t true, tried to lie to himself and say it was just a nightmare that he would eventually wake from, but he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He knew she was gone when he called her name and she didn’t look at him with the smile she reserved just for him, her eyes filled with the love he never thought he’d deserved, and never thought he’d experience before he met her.

He called her name again, his voice growing raspier the closer he came to tears. He knelt down by her side and picked up her hand. He kissed it gently, then placed it back on the bed.

He rested his forehead on the bed and said, “I’m so sorry, Lita. I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t hold the tears back after that, and he began to sob, his shoulders shaking with the force of his emotion.

__

_The previous day…_

“Ever’body understand their orders?”

There was a chorus of, “Aye, Cap’n” and “Yessir,” and Yondu nodded, satisfied.

“Kraglin, yer group first.”

Kraglin saluted, then led his group off the ship.

“Tullk, wait five minutes, then yer group next.”

“Aye, Cap’n.”

Yondu walked over to Lita and took her hand, pulling her away from the rest of the crew. “Ya okay, darlin’?”

She smiled at him. “Yeah.”

“An’ ya know what ta do when we get in there?”

She rolled her eyes and smirked. “Yes, Captain, I understand my orders.”

He grinned at her, pulling her closer. “I like hearin’ ya call me Cap’n.”

She bit her lip, then stood up on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear, “I’ll be sure to remember that later tonight.”

His grin grew as she pulled back to look at his face. He cupped her face in his hands, then gently kissed her. “I dunno what I’d do without ya, Lita.”

She smiled softly at him and lightly traced his cheek with her fingers. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, either,  _Captain_.”

He chuckled, then glanced over her head to see Tullk leading his group off the ship.

“We got five minutes. It ain’t too late fer ya to go back ta yer quarters.”

“No way, Yondu, I’m going with you. This isn’t my first mission, you know.”

“I know, but...”

“Don’t you trust me?”

“’Course, I do, it’s jus’ -”

“Just what?”

“I don’t wanna see ya get hurt, that’s all.”

“I’ll be fine, Yondu. You’ve trained me yourself. I know how to use my blasters, and I’m better with the knife now. And I know my orders.”

“I know.” He sighed. “Lemme hear ya repeat yer orders. Make sure ya got ‘em down.”

She laughed. “Fine. I’m supposed to stick to the shadows, picking off anyone who might get too close to you as you approach the target. When you’ve retrieved it, I’m supposed to make my way back to the exit, covering you as you make your escape. How’s that sound, Captain?”

He grinned again. “Sounds perfect.” He studied her face for a moment as his smile softened. “I love ya, ya know.”

“I know. I love you, too. More than you know.”

He wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her lips. He lingered, not wanting to break the moment. Finally, after a last, soft kiss, she pulled away and smiled. “Time to go.”

__

He didn’t know how long he’d knelt by her bedside, didn’t know how long he’d cried. He took a deep shuddering breath, then stood up, leaning over to place a kiss on her cold cheek.

He knew he needed to make the arrangements for her funeral, but even the thought of it made him sick. As much as he hated to ask for help, he knew he needed to enlist Kraglin. He was in no state to try to remember everything that needed to be done, and he didn’t trust anyone else on the ship to help him with something as important as this.

He found Kraglin still in the control room.

“Kraglin.” He cleared his throat as Kraglin turned to face him. “Need ya ta do a few things fer me.”

“Aye, Cap’n. Whatever ya need.”

__

The arrangements kept his mind occupied for a while. It had been at least thirty minutes since he’d thought about what they were actually planning. A half-hour of not reliving the horror of the previous day. When it hit him again – the fact that they weren’t planning just another mission, but Lita’s  _funeral –_  he stood and told Kraglin he’d see him later.

Kraglin nodded, seeming to understand Yondu’s need to be alone for a while.

Yondu couldn’t keep the memory of the day before from replaying in his mind no matter how hard he tried to block it, and he stopped walking, slamming a fist against the corridor wall then leaning his head against it.

__

_The previous day…_

Yondu was almost to the vault, almost to the target. Kraglin and Tullk’s groups had come in first to clear the path, and they were now down the side corridors, keeping anyone from following Yondu and his group.

As he approached the vault door, he removed the lock pick gun from his pocket. When he reached the vault, he glanced behind to check the positions of his crew, searching until he saw Lita crouching next to one of the corridors.

Satisfied, he turned back to the vault, using the lock pick gun to open the door. As it swung open, he heard a yell and knew he didn’t have much time. Just as he was about to enter the vault, he heard a quad blaster fire, and then a sound that froze his heart – Lita’s scream. He turned in time to see her fall, and though he whistled his arrow into her attacker’s skull, he knew it was too late.

He felt like his life was ending when he saw her body drop. He knew it was over. Knew no one could survive a hit from a blaster from such close quarters, but he still ran to her, ignoring the shouts of his crew.

He picked her up, hugging her body to his, sobbing into her neck, crying out her name. “Lita! Lita, don’t leave me, darlin’.”

He could hear more yelling in the distance, and the shouts of his crew, urging him to leave.

Kraglin ran to his side. “Cap’n! Cap’n, we gotta go. They broke through.”

Yondu ignored him, cradling Lita’s body as he continued to sob.

Kraglin reached out and placed a hand on Yondu’s shoulder. “Cap’n, we gotta get ‘er out.”

Yondu knew he was right. He lifted her gently in his arms as he stood, walking toward the exit, his only thought to get her back to the Eclector safely. He choked back a sob when he realized she was beyond needing safety.

Kraglin took charge, ordering the men back to the ship, covering Yondu as the enemy began to pour out of the side corridors. Once everyone was on board, he piloted the ship to safety, then closed his eyes as he took a deep breath.

__

Kraglin found Yondu still leaning against the corridor wall ten minutes later.

“It’s, uh, it’s all finalized now, Cap’n. Fer tonight. Tha other Ravager clans all said they’d come. Outta respect fer ya, even though she weren’t actually a Rav-”

Yondu pulled back from the wall and cut him off. “She  _was_  a Ravager. Didn’t matter if she hadn’t taken tha oath yet! She was…  _she’s a Ravager_.”

Kraglin nodded.

Yondu didn’t wait for Kraglin to say anything else. He left Kraglin standing there and walked back to Lita’s room, pulling a chair next to the bed.

He only had a few short hours left with her, and he didn’t want to leave her side until he had no choice. At first, he just sat there, thinking. Then he began to talk to her, telling her everything he regretted never telling her while she was still alive.

He had no doubt that she knew he loved her, but he hadn’t told her  _enough_. Hadn’t told her that she was his reason for getting out of bed every morning. That her smile made him feel like he could conquer anything. That her laugh was enough to chase away every dark thought in his mind. That he craved her kiss more than he’d ever craved anything else in his life. That her love was the one thing he couldn’t live without.

He told her everything and hoped that, wherever she was, she could hear every word. He needed her to know all of it.

__

Hours later, Kraglin knocked quietly and told Yondu it was time.

“Gimme a minute.”

“Aye, Cap’n.”

He heard Kraglin’s footsteps retreating, and he leaned down closer to Lita.

“I know I gotta say goodbye now, darlin’, an’ it’s the hardest thing I ever had ta do.”

He stopped and scrubbed a hand down his face as he tried to control his voice. He cleared his throat and continued, “But I know ya ain’t ever gonna be completely gone, ‘cause yer always gonna be in my heart. An’ I just gotta say again that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect ya, that I let this happen ta ya. If I could, I’d a took yer place, I hope ya know that. I know this is my fault, an’ I’ll hafta live with that ‘til I draw my last breath.”

He stopped again as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “I love ya, Lita. I’ll always love ya.”

He leaned down to kiss her cheek one last time and whispered, “Goodbye, darlin’.”

Then he turned and left the room.


End file.
